Profound loneliness. Karma. Reality. What if the love I want from someone is the same love someone wanted from me? And I didn’t know. I was engulfed in my own life. I didn’t realize. They never spoke up or told me. I didn’t realize. The extreme depression. The want with no return. The impact on self worth and self esteem. Then they stray to a younger thinner fun person. And it’s over. Just over. No going back. No way to trust. No self-worth. Just depression.
And even when someone is there, you are still alone. Realizing you will be alone for the holidays. Alone on the weekends. Alone during the week. No way to fill the deep vat of extreme loneliness you feel. No realization of what loneliness was until you were alone. Really alone. No one loving you the way you need to be loved. Will there ever be someone to love you the way you deserve and need to be loved? There never was your whole life. Why would you think that would happen now? What makes you think someone could? The scant amount of hope that you could be loved and happy fading away. Realizing you never want to go through a loss again. Realizing you may not be strong enough to survive one more loss. How can any one person take hit after hit and keep picking up to go forward? It seems impossible. It seems overwhelming. It is overwhelming.
Paralyzing- inability to complete any tasks. Not for lack of wanting. Just can’t. Can’t focus. Can’t start. No priorities. Everything can wait. Just need to survive. Just need to get through another day. Days passing but no progress. No focus. Just doing the minimum. Just getting by.
Take one minute at a time. Breathe. Try to give even when you feel you can’t give anymore. List 3 things to be grateful for everyday. Hang on. Survive. Your life has been about survival. This is the same thing. Over and over again. Survive this. Be the best you can be each day. The best may not even be 1% of what you used to be, but do it anyways. Do it. Get up. Do it. Survive.
Surviving Reality 